I'm venting today. Just to warn you. Raw me.
I have 80 unfinished bags in my office. EIGHTY. Some are nicely stacked, some are strewn everywhere thanks to a certain little boy-o. I'm tired. I really have been trying to stay up-beat and positive, to see this as the blessing it is, but today I don't. I'm dragging and I don't quite know how to pick myself back up. I'm annoyed at this pile next to me. It took my summer and it takes time from my family. And yes, it's money coming in but guess what? It's not money in the bank. It's money that goes straight to someone else's pocket. Are we to blame for that? Partly. Do I regret some choices we've made? You bet. There is nothing I can do about that though. It's days like today that I start to question. I question Colorado in it's entirety. We couldn't have been that wrong in hearing, or were we? Should we have skipped all of the beach trips, trips to Florida and Idaho, camping trips, etc just to keep pushing down the number? Is it worth it to sacrifice relationships for that? Memories? I honestly don't know right now. All I know is that I'm really, really tired. And I need to vent. My poor sister-in-law dropped my niece off to play with Libby and I sure spewed all over her (sorry Aimee). And yes, I know that I'm blessed. That my family is healthy and happy, that my husband has an excellent job that he loves, that we have a house over our heads and food in our stomachs. Trust me, I know. And I'm thankful everyday for those blessings. I'm thankful that I live where I do and that I get to raise my children without fear of persecution and other horrors out in the world. But I'm allowed to be frustrated. Even if I just need to take 30 minutes to cry and rant and get it out of my system. Cause see, even now I'm starting to feel better. I can start to step back and evaluate. And I may still go lay on my bed and have my good cry (although I better not cause I'd probably fall asleep) but then I can come back out here and get back to it. So if you read my word vomit, good on ya. Now could you say a small prayer for me (even if you don't pray, give it a try); that I would not take this out on my family and friends, to keep perspective, for productive work time, and for lots and lots of grace. Thanks friends.
*ps. prayers for finding winning lottery tickets on the ground are also accepted. Or a surprise inheritance from an unknown relative. Thanks so much.
3 comments:
You got it! Was looking forward to Friday. Another day!
Praying for you! For daily bread, for supernatural overwhelming provision, etc.
Oh, I love you. Sorry it's so rough. You are right, you are blessed and it could be much worse---BUT you are allowed to be frustrated! :( You are also allowed to do some fun things and see family. People are the most important thing in life. I'm trying to figure out how to balance debt and work and fun and family--and I'm not even married! ha ha ha! LOVE YOU SO MUCH! It's going to be ok!!! (Ps--this blog took me back to our "the koreans are coming" post shopping freak out that brought us to the bonrads door.! ha ha ha)
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